Buck Greaser's Survival Guide

  
 

 Helping skinny runts everywhere survive and make it to the next day. 

 
 

 Dude, you've come to THE place where runts unite. If you ain't skinny, maybe got here by mistake, then thanks for stoppin in, but you might just want to keep movin along. Ain't been in your shoes and don't really have much help to pass on to you.  But, hell, since your here anyway, take a load off, kick up your feet, have a beer. 

If you have survival tips that have either kept you alive or kept you from doing back breaking work, and you think they could help other scrawny runts, then give it up--share-em!

Buck

 

 

 You know, it's kinda like this: you hook up with a sweet young babe, a few years in she's complaining about her weight, then five years later she announces she's on a new diet and she's dropped below 225 pounds. 225 POUNDS! Dang! Duce and a quarter! The guys and me started razzin each other "got your duce and a quarter yet?" It's like you wake up one day and see that your old lady outweighs you by double! Not that she don't look good, she's HOT, but damn, what if she rolls over on me in bed. All kinds of things start runnin through your head, and some of them make you shake in your boots. 

So I looked around at the buds in the garage, hoping they wouldn't think "man, your old lady could sit on you and you wouldn't have a prayer". That's when it hit me that their women were ALL bigger than they were. In fact Daryl, and here's a photo that Rod shot out on the floor one night (Daryl don't like pictures and he gets crazy if anybody comes around with a flash) Daryl could probably pass for a walking skeleton, anyway, and has a wife that has at least 200 lbs on him, even though he's a good head taller when he stands up straight. We all know he gets kicked up one side and down the other at home. I mean, when she comes into the shop this dude shakes like a leaf until she leaves. I think he even pissed his jeans one day. I could tell you some stories about them two, but I'll save it for a later issue.

 
Here are a few topics that will be covered in upcoming issues: 1. How to fake a good push-up, even when muscle boy Toby is watching.

2. When is it safe to take off your thermal underwear if you live North of the Mason Dixon.

3. When is it safe to take off your thermal underwear if you live South of the Mason Dixon.

4. How to git your wife to mow the grass so you don't have to push that heavy sucker around the yard, (works 9 times outta 10).

5. Seven good excuses for layin in bed till noon (these work almost every time).

6. Several different ways to motivate your wife to pick up beer when she makes groceries.

7. How to fake a good chin-up --- OK, you got me on this one. It's not possible to fake a good chin-up when you can barely hang on to the damn bar. I got the dry heaves the last time I tried one, and I ain't doin that again any time soon.

8. The terror of havin to sit on a metal folding chair, and several things you can use as emergency padding. (Who the hell, besides churches, puts out metal folding chairs for folks to sit on, anyway. They've got it in for skinny guys, and I'm tellin ya, they ain't no friend of mine. Some folks think everybody's walkin around with a wad of blubber on their ass, like I AIN'T)

 

Here's probably the only time you'll ever see all the guys wearin the shop shirt at the same time. This chick photographer took so long to get this shot, I mean we stood out there for at least 20 minutes (she was one cute number, though) She was Clay's girlfriend, (standing next to me, 2nd from left). Smart aleck kid, don't even have to wear a belt to keep his pants up. (Check him out in a few years--betcha he'll have to wear a belt before she gets done with him) We was all freezin, cause it was only about 65 degrees! And Rod (tooth pick Rod, 2nd from right), his knees was shakin so bad by the time we was through, from standin there so long--he just took the rest of the day off. (Hell, that was probably more work than he'd done in the last 3 weeks). Daryl too, whipped his skinny ass to stand out there for that long (4th from right), he crashed on a pile of tires in the back corner of the garage for the rest of the day. Felt like I had been through one hell of a workout myself, just getting all the guys out there, in the first place, then havin to stand there forever with my leg muscles aching and the freezin cold. Damn! Well, I just hope it don't all show in the picture, the kind of hell we went through to have it taken. This is probably the only group shot we'll ever get, cause it about done everybody in by the time it was all said and done. 

 

  • How to survive t

    •   Here's a great place to go if you're looking to swap out that v-6 in your S-10 for a powerful muscle v-8:

    www.rodster.com

     

    If you're scratchin your head about anything 

    after you drop in the v-8, here is another great site:

    www.jagsthatrun.com

     

    		 For a good read of my tip of the day and to post comments, drop in anytime:

    SKINNY BUCK'S GARAGE
     

    So you want to see Rod? Rod is usually the 

    guy that takes the pictures. You can probably tell 

    we took this one. Here's HotRod on his Cat 50.
     

    Here's a great site if YOU need a little more padding on your seat:

    www.Oregon Aero Cushion Seat

    		 Here's something you gotta know about Rod--he lives on his forklift. Not kiddin here. To start with, this guy is THE slowest movin and slowest talkin guy you've ever met. You ask him a question, he acts like he ain't heard you, then fifteen minutes later you get some answer that he's been thinkin about for, yea, fifteen minutes. But gettim on a forklift and he suddenly picks up the speed. I'm not saying he ain't good on that thing, but Dang! this guy uses it for everything. Says he's going to get one of those super cushioned replacement seats, I guess they make them just for skinny-assed forklift drivers so his butt won't ache from ridin around on it. Mean time, check it out, he uses an old piece of furniture foam to protect his boney ass. HotRod has all kinds of parts and attachments for this thing, and most of them do come in handy. He got this drum lifter so he can pick up 55 gallon drums. Nice! We all used to struggle with those barrels, rollin them on their edge, before Rod came up with the lift idea. Sad thing is his old lady came in one afternoon and rolled all twenty of em to the back of the shop in about half the time it usually takes Rod to do it with the lift. I think that was a major blow to his testosterone, and he ain't recovered yet. Now he's got this push broom thing to put on it, so the lazy shit doesn't even have to sweep at night cause he uses the broom on the lift to sweep the floor. All the guys like it, and they spend 15 minutes hookin it up, then they all stand there and watch while one guy rides the lift around, sweeping the floor. Go figure.
     

    Now THIS is pretty amazing. 

    Daryl found a muscle! Says it's a bicep.

    		 None of the rest of us are quite so sure. We snapped one of it, anyway, so check it out.

     

    We just said "Daryl, DUDE, you been spendin too much time down in the pit. The only thing gettin strong about you is your stink, buddy". We all know the real reason Daryl don't ever bring in a 30-pack. It ain't because he's tight. It's cause he can't lift the damned thing up on the counter to pay for it. You know you're in bad shape when you drink more beer than you can lift. Well, he gets his wife to buy it for him, anyhow, and she CAN lift a 30-pack. Hell, she can lift Daryl AND a 30-pack. So I guess now we know why skinny Daryl cusses so much when he tries to unscrew those filters. It's cause he's got two bones hangin there where the guy's arms oughta be. OK, OK, I'm bein real hard on probably the best valve guy West of West Virginia. I think he really is tryin to find his way out of runthood, he just ain't there yet. And look at HotRod there laughin at him. Thinks he's Randy "Macho Man" Savage, but I ain't never seen him pull up his shirt sleeves. OK Daryl, put that boney stick back under your greasy sleeve. (I've seen 10-year-old girls with bigger biceps.) Don't pull it back out til you can pick up a 30-pack.

    We zoomed in for a little more magnification here. The arrow, we believe, indicates the  location of the bicep.
    Wasn't nobody around today except Rod, Daryl, and me, and we could tell by the look in muscle boy's eye that we'd better get our asses out there right quick and mow that grass. Well, that's where the real fun begun. Even though it's a so called self propelled machine, that sucker is still hard as hell to push around. We all took turns takin it around the yard, and I'm tellin you after one time around I was pantin like a dog. Daryl was even worse--hell, he couldn't even make it around once--said he was gettin dizzy and it was too hard to push, that he wasn't hired to mow grass and he was takin it to the union. Trouble is he don't belong to no union. Maybe the ASE would listen to him complain, who knows. Anyhow, he laid down there by the cooler and coughed and slobered till he passed out. Rod did better than we did, even though he could barely push the damn thing. We didn't get the whole thing mowed, but what we did get mowed we owe it all to Rod. Our counter girl Kate come out and snapped a photo--don't we all look like a bunch of sorry assed runts!  I'm tellin you, that kid better get back here soon cause I sure ain't going through this kind of hell again. Ain't none of us cut out for this kind of work--I don't know how these kids do it every day--hell, sometimes ya even see girls out mowin the grass. Well, they're just usin some kind of special mower with a good power assist on it, that's all.
      Weed cuttin time!

    We all had to do something today that we all hate, especially in July when it's hot. The guys and me mostly like to stay inside the garage durin the hot summer months--not that it's so much cooler in there, but it's sure a lot cooler than being out in the hot sun like a damned construction worker. We all kinda feel like it's an occupational benefit to be able to lay around on the cool concrete floor messin with engines while other dudes are out there on the black top sweatin their nuts off. And if we really get up a sweat, we can go in the little air-conditioned office, kick up our boots, maybe take a little nap. Well today wasn't no such kind of day, I'm mean to tell you. It all started when muscle boy Toby come prancin into the place tellin me that the grass had to be cut TODAY! (Ya see, his aunt actually owns a bigger share of this garage than me--Yea, her and me had a little thing goin on, back in the day. That's all over now, and these days she sends in her muscle boy nephew to make sure I'm runnin the place right. Hell, that kid wouldn't know a Holly from a Weber, but his forearm's bigger around than my waist, so we all kinda say "yessir" whenever he pops in.) Well today the order was to cut the damn weeds out front of the shop.  And wouldn't ya know, the fifteen year old kid that's supposed to be cutting it is on a two week vaction with Mommy and Daddy. Don't know when we'll see him again.